


The Salt That Stings My Eyes

by greenmeetingblue, RedPhoneBooth



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Broken Heart, Cutting, I cried when i wrote this, I'm Sorry, I'm so sorry, Link in the author's notes, M/M, POV First Person, POV Phil Lester, Read the other part in Dan's POV, Self-Harm, We're really sorry for the angst, Written by my friend Greenmeetingblue, it's painful, trigger warning: mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-13
Updated: 2015-05-13
Packaged: 2018-03-30 09:17:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3931411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenmeetingblue/pseuds/greenmeetingblue, https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedPhoneBooth/pseuds/RedPhoneBooth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why did you do it, Dan? Why did you have to fuck it up?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Salt That Stings My Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is a little one shot I wrote to complement the one my friend, Lore, wrote you can find it [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3931462).  
> Please check her out on tumblr and twitter and give her a follow (and me as well if you want), because she is a ray of sunshine and I love her very much. This is her first work on AO3 So please go to her blog, most of her stuff is on there.  
> I read her story and thought it'd be a cool idea if I wrote the same situation, but from Phil's point of view (since she wrote Dan's) and voila, this was what came out of it. Please comment and kudos, it'd be much appreciated. Leave some CONSTRUCTIVE critisism, please. Thank you. Enjoy!
> 
> My [Tumblr](http://redphonebooth3.tumblr.com/)  
> My [Twitter](https://twitter.com/RedPhoneBooth3)
> 
> Greenmeetingblue:  
> Lore's [Tumblr](http://greenmeetingblue.tumblr.com/)  
> Lore's [Twitter](https://twitter.com/chestpainslouis)
> 
> !! PLEASE DO NOT SEND THIS TO ANY OF THE PEOPLE MENTIONED !!

Why did you do it, Dan? Why did you have to fuck it up?

Was it me? Wasn’t I enough? Did I not love you enough? Were my touches not satisfying enough? Did you simply realize you deserve better? Realize that I am not worthy of you?

So many questions left unanswered. Will I ever know what went wrong with us?

Chris keeps telling me I shouldn’t blame myself.

He’s wrong.

If it’s not me, then what else could it be? Surely, it must’ve been something I did to push you away. To have made you do that.

I have stopped talking to him about it. I have stopped talking to anyone about it. They don’t understand anything. The mental pain it causes me to talk about it, about you, is too much too handle. I cover it with physical pain. At least, that, I know how to treat.

I pretend to be okay, for everyone else’s sake. I don’t want to bother them with my ill-being. The smiles have become easier to fake. The ‘I’m fine’s’ have started to sound more credible. The scars are easier to hide.

Not for myself, though.

I still notice all of it. I don’t feel the smiles on the inside. I know I’m lying when I say everything’s alright. The tears in my skin are visible whenever I undress and pink water washes down the drain whenever I create new ones.

I wish I could run away from it. I wish I could run away from myself. Run away from my thoughts.

Run away from life.

I could.

But I won’t.

I have though I about it often. Late at night, lying in bed wide awake, just staring at the ceiling. When there is nothing else to occupy my mind. The loneliness is getting harder to bear and it’s tiring me out. I feel so tired, Dan. So tired of not knowing. So tired of being without you.

I try to think of all the time we spend together: the mornings with whispered ‘I love you’s’ and Eskimo kisses, the nights with heavy panting and hot skin touching, and that one time with a food fight in the kitchen turning dirtier than anticipated. Always searching for a flaw. Yet I cannot see the mistake I made to have it end this way.

I close my eyes to see all those memories, but then the image of that night is all that flashes before my eyes. It felt like waking up from a beautiful dream only to fall straight into a nightmare. I remember running and your footsteps trailing behind me. I remember my name falling from your lips. I did not turn around. I remember tears.

Mine, mostly.

They still haven’t stopped falling from my eyes since. The world around me has become a permanent blur.

Lately, it’s all I seem to do. Cry. I wonder how long I can keep this up. I feel s as if I’m drying out. Soon all the water will have gone from my body and what is left of me then? Nothing but bones and a broken heart I’d reckon.

I don’t know how long you haven’t been here anymore. Things pass, but I’m still stuck in my own head. I don’t know how to get out. I don’t know how to move. I don’t know how to get back in the current that is life. I don’t know how to get my broken self together again.

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

I don’t know anything anymore.

I see you sometimes. Your face in a crowd and I almost run over to you, but then I remember you’re not there.

I feel you sometimes. As I lie in bed at night thinking you’re next to me, but only finding an empty space when I reach out.

I hear you sometimes.  Whispering all the things you used to say to me, but then I wake up from what was only a dream.

I have forgotten what you smell like, though. I cannot recall that, nor can I recall what you taste like. The taste of those lips that used to be on mine so very often. I only remember it being wonderful. You gave your taste away to someone else, though, you tasted someone else. Someone that wasn’t me.

Was it better?

I miss you.

I do. I miss everything about you from the way you used to laugh at my stupid jokes to the way you used to make me tea in the mornings. But most of all I miss being with you. Being around you.

I love you.

I do. Even after what happened I can’t seem to stop loving you. Trying to stop seems impossible. Thinking about stopping has me waking up to dried tears on my face and a damp spot on my pillow case.

Maybe a day will come along where the salt won’t sting my eyes whenever I think of you. I’m not sure if I should look forward to that day or dread it. I’m not ready for you to just be another person I used to love. I am not ready for you to be a part of my past. I am not ready to forget about you. Forget about us. What we used to have. What we could’ve been.

I need you to be a part of my present and my future. I want to always remember you and have what we were supposed to have.

I am scared, Dan. So scared for that day to come. Scared of what is happening to me. Scared of what you are doing. Are you happier without me? Happier with someone else more worthy than me? Maybe you are, I don’t know.

I just know that I need you with me. I feel hollow without you.

I wish you could’ve been happy with me.

I hope you’ll not forget what we had. I hope you’ll come back to me.

Please, don’t leave me. Please, come back. Please, be with me.


End file.
